Dating Etiquette

Let me start off by saying that I am not a dating expert. 
I went to undergraduate, and graduate school for psychology - I also completed a full 1200 hour School Psychology internship; so I know a-little-bit about social interactions, and social expectations.... BUT -- I am not a dating expert!

All my thoughts, opinions, and suggestions written here are just based on my opinions. 

Enjoy!

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Recently, (within the past six-weeks) one of my friends text me on her way home from a date. It was obvious at this point that there were sparks between her and this guy. She seemed super tired, but she was  giddy with delight! Here was a nice guy, good looking, has a great job, and is getting ready to settle down (What more can a lady ask for?!?)


As her and I chatted (hours later) we (really I) ate frozen yogurt, and talked about her new beau. Everything between her and him was PERFECT...except she had no idea what he was "looking for" and his full intentions. This got me thinking.... What is the proper dating etiquette? What should be discussed, at what point is a discussion appropriate, and do you even need to disclose your (dating) past (if you are worried it may impact your future?)

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STATUS FLASHBACK: During last labor day weekend, while at the beach with a few friends, and "friends-friends," I overheard this crazy (between two guys) discussion about how girls should wear a bracelet while out at a bar;disclosing if they are interested in just making out, having sex, or just nothing at all. Obviously these bracelets would be color coated (and I assume available in a multi-pack).  This way, no guy would waste their time. I originally thought this was an insane idea... but the more I thought about I had flashbacks to college. While in a sorority at NYU, we had a lot of mixers. I remember this one party, where you had three options - everyone would need to wear a red, yellow, or green shirt. If you were single (and ready to mingle) you were green. If you were unsure (either kinda-seeing someone, or just not totally interested in the mingle) you were yellow. If you were in a relationship, or anti-social, you were red.) Obviously, somehow, this is very acceptable (when all parties agree). 

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So... you're thinking.. 'where am I going with this?' Here it is:

What is proper dating etiquette? 

Back to my friend.... she really likes him, she is confident that he really likes her.. BUT she has no idea where to take it from here. When should she text him?, when should he text her?, when should they seeing each other again? When does she ask him about his ex's and how many people he has slept with? when does she sleep with him herself? When does she ask about their 'relationship's status'... it was unclear to her, and clearly unclear to most (myself included) how this whole thing works. 


Here's a few of my ideas on Dating Etiquette:

Texting is a really great way to get to know someone. Between texting and facebook you could learn almost all superficial information about another person. (by 'superficial' I mean - just 'at the surface' information). The frequency of text messaging has no rule, and should be  as much or as little as both people are comfortable with. Things (conflicts?) like work schedule or school should also be taken into account -- some people have their phone on them at all times, and have it on ring, while others keep their cell in a jacket, a purse, or on the desk most of the day, on silent or vibrate. It is unfair to assume someone 'likes you' or 'doesn't like you' based on their ability to answer text messages quickly. It's about the quality, not the quantity! If the date went well, contact should be made (to either party) within 72 hours.

After a date, two, or three, you both should be talking on the phone. Even if it's for three minuets while hes at work, just so he can ask you which restaurant you'd like to get pizza at for dinner.; it is very important to 'talk 'vocally. It is a BIG RED FLAG if a guy you are "talking to," "seeing," or "dating" won't speak to you on the phone. Similarly, it is another BIG RED FLAG if you are texting back and forth, and you call them (it would be easier just to talk than text) and he/she doesn't answer the call, but texts you back. NOT OK!!!  OBVIOUSLY - this rule does not apply when someone is with close family, at a special party, or at work. I am talking about on a random Saturday afternoon. Hearing someone's voice not only allows you to hear the tone, pitch, and articulation of the other person's voice, it also is a lot more intimate. (( If you like me, call me!))

 
The frequency of dates can be very variable; again based on individual preference. Be Aware: if you just met someone, and you begin to see them four days a week, the relationship will be progressing at a much quicker pace. (Which again, is based on preference). Some people meet -- BOOM-- SMACK -- they see each other all the time, meet each others family within weeks, move-in together within months, and get married with-in two years. However, some people meet -- and casually date -- and casually date -- and casually date -- until months have passed at they either move to the next level, or move on. REMEMBER: more often than not; frequency increases intensity, make sure you "don't bit off more than you can chew."

ARE YOU OFF THE MARKET?: When you are dating someone sometimes you're never quite sure if you should still be seeing other people or not, or -- whether the other person is seeing other people. This is an important discussion before you take it to the next level (whatever that is). ((This will also be mentioned in the below sections!))


SEX. You and your friends spend hours talking about it throughout High School (at least me and my friends did!); once upon a time it was a big deal to everyone. Overtime the rules of sex have changed. For some, they can have meaningless one-night-stands, and they are as happy as a clam. For others, it is a very special, intimate thing, that can be very sacred. GENERALLY SPEAKING: if you're interesting in dating a person, you shouldn't sleep with them on the first date. I recommend: the both of you go on a date. It doesn't have to be anything special, Starbucks are on every corner, and they have a lot of beverage options.  Although I don't recommend making a sex- rule: (i.e., after the sixth date I will sleep with him), I think it should be based on the quality of your interactions, and when you feel comfortable. Generally speaking, after five-or-six-or-seven dates most people feel comfortable enough for the horizontal mambo. (Similarly: If your having sex, I think you should have introduced him/her to some of your friends, and that you have mentioned them to your family).  

*NOTE: There is no "golden rule" about one-night-stands. I do know a few couples that met, had a one-nightter, and then hung out - and eventually became a couple. YOU NEVER KNOW!!! 

Your Number: If you are having only one night stand this is not a necessary discussion. After a few dates )with the same person) numbers should be discussed. Not for judging purposes; this not only will make you feel more comfortable with the other person, but gives you an idea how they view sex. Rumor has it that guys inflate, girls deflate. This may or may not be true. It is probably very situational. Similarly along these lines -- it is very important  to make sure the other person is clean. Or - if they aren't, they should tell you they've got sometime (Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving!). Asking someone if they have gotten a recent STD check may seem silly, but there is nothing silly about genital warts or gonorrhea! If you think people don't do this, I will tell you, I have asked every guy I ever seriously dated if they have had an STD check recently, and if they have slept with somebody since (even if it was with a condom).  It may sound very 1980's but -- SAFE SEX IS GREAT SEX. If they won't go for a "check-up" or won't disclose their status,  chances are this is not the person for you. 

The Exclusive Non-Committed:  In the age of "booty calls"  it is important to know if you are having sex together, what your status is. It can be agreed upon that it's just for fun. Most of the time people are looking for something more. The Exclusive Non-Committed (ENC) is a very interesting type of sexual relationship that has recently emerged. ENC means you are exclusively (only) having sex with each other (consistently), but you are not their boyfriend/girlfriend. This might be for a number of reasons (i.e., not enough time to devote to the other person or  inability to fully commit...etc.). The ENC can be a lovely thing, but be aware that for most people, it is hard not getting feelings for someone you are being so intimate with. BEWARE!

Relationship Status while dating this is something very important. I don't mean to be "official" on facebook, I mean to create a bond - and continue to flourish it.  Although it might not be normal to ask some guy you never slept with if he's your boyfriend, it is OK (and important,) to ask them what are they looking for (?). Of course they can lie, and tell you they want a relationship when they just want someone to f*ck, but I hope most people will be honest about it -- to prevent hurting people's feelings. I think asking "what are you looking for" is a good question before you have sex. BUT - that's up to you, and the individual situation!

EXAMPLE:  You wouldn't jump into a pool full of black murky water... you'd ask what is in it (?). -- walk around, inspect it, maybe bend down, see what it feels like - maybe even smell it -- you'd be cautious. You should be just as cautious with you heart. 

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LASTLY: Here are TEN rules to follow while on a  FIRST (or maybe second or third) date:  


1. Always keep your hygiene up-to-par!:  Shower that day. Wash your hair. Brush your teeth. Wear deodorant.  Look your best!

2.  Tell (at least) two friends where you're going, and the name of the person you are with!: Safety is always very important. 

3. Don't drink too much!: No one enjoys being around a drunk person, especially one you just met. Set a two drink minimum, and never drink on an empty stomach. MEN: Don't keep ordering drinks for the lady, if she'd like one, she'll order it. LADIES: don't try to go 'drink-to-drink' with a guy you hardly know. Drinking isn't meant to make you loosen-up on a date. It's best to have a clear mind during these situations.

4.  Have good eye contact & smile:  If you are interested in the person you are with, look him or her in the eyes while they/you are talking. (WINK! WINK!)  Not only is it socially appropriate, most people can read how the dates going by facial expressions. Smiling shows that you are interested in the other person, and what they have to say. 

5. Minimize the use of your cell phone:  Maybe you forgot a watch so you need to check the time, OK. got it. More than that, it is very inappropriate to keep checking your cell. If you are expecting an important call tell your date. If this is not the case, do not answer your cell (If you are worried about emergencies -answer if the person calls back again (in a short period of time)... no one with an emergency only calls once).  Being on your cell phone is very rude, and can turn off the other person very quickly. 

6. Do not ask about income, political affiliations, or other sensitive subjects: if you hit it off you'll get to learn those anyway. 

7. Ask "open-ended" questions:  Don't ask any serious questions... ask general "open-ended" questions like: "what do you do on the weekends?" "where did you grow up?" "what is your favorite food?"... these are great "ice-breaking" questions. 

8. Be OK with silence: Silence is an important part of communication. Allow a short pause between you; don't just speak to hear your own voice.

9. Don't be late: It is best to pace yourself to arrive at your date location five-ten minuets before the meeting time. NO ONE LIKES SOMEONE WHOSE LATE.

10. Be Yourself: always project who you really are. No one enjoys an imitation. (Besides: the real "you" will come out eventually).







Hopefully you got something out of this.

Remember: You Live, You Learn. 


Xo.
DSB